"Life's a bitch then you marry one, then you die"
- Lorne Raymond, 2009
13 January 2009
i think i love this woman...
...not because of what she does but because she's so straightforward about her subject matter. Google "Cynthia Plaster Caster" if you don't know who she is already, her website made me want to take a shower after checking it out but it's still funny/great.
10 January 2009
the great outdoors
I got to work super early this morning so I have just enough time to share something from the Andrea memory vault with y'alls. I've been thinking a lot about an old friend of mine lately who I was very close to in middle school and high school. I owe my sense of humor mostly to this girl because she taught me to laugh at things deemed somewhat taboo...which are the best things to laugh at sometimes. Some thowbacks to C.J (which is what she goes by, not some acronym I came up with to conceal her identity) include:
- CAN IT BE DONE?.......maybe
- "How many fish are in that pond?"
"Exactly....(counting on fingers)....NONE!"
- Virgin pillows
- Bad disco (especially the song Funky Town)
When C.J and I were in the 7th or 8th grade we went to her Dad's trailer for a weekend. What 13 year old girl can resist sunbathing, eating junk food and searching for hot boys? We spent the day doing just that and after our dinner of hot "diggedy" dogs (hot dogs with doritos, gross I know) we decided that we wanted to camp for the night. We set up a tent outside and talked about boys until we fell asleep, for the record I actually remembered who we talked about that night.
I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that my whole backside was soaked. I was lying on my back and could feel that I was wet from my lower back to my knees and I started to panic. All I could think was that I was 13 years old and I had just peed the bed (or tent I guess) and what was I going to tell C.J? Was I supposed to wake her up and say "I just peed all over myself, can I borrow some pants?" As I let my mind race about what I should do I lay there as quietly as possible when all of a sudden I heard C.J say, in the tiniest voice, "Andrea? I think I wet myself". All I could say was "I think I wet myself too!"
After we sat up and got out of the wet sleeping bags we realized that we hadn't set up our tent properly and it had rained while we were sleeping and the tent had flooded. Of course we laughed it off but we decided to promise each other that if at any time one of us peed our pants or our bed the other was to do the same so the original pant/bed wetter didn't feel so ashamed.
I think that's a pretty good deal.
- CAN IT BE DONE?.......maybe
- "How many fish are in that pond?"
"Exactly....(counting on fingers)....NONE!"
- Virgin pillows
- Bad disco (especially the song Funky Town)
When C.J and I were in the 7th or 8th grade we went to her Dad's trailer for a weekend. What 13 year old girl can resist sunbathing, eating junk food and searching for hot boys? We spent the day doing just that and after our dinner of hot "diggedy" dogs (hot dogs with doritos, gross I know) we decided that we wanted to camp for the night. We set up a tent outside and talked about boys until we fell asleep, for the record I actually remembered who we talked about that night.
I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that my whole backside was soaked. I was lying on my back and could feel that I was wet from my lower back to my knees and I started to panic. All I could think was that I was 13 years old and I had just peed the bed (or tent I guess) and what was I going to tell C.J? Was I supposed to wake her up and say "I just peed all over myself, can I borrow some pants?" As I let my mind race about what I should do I lay there as quietly as possible when all of a sudden I heard C.J say, in the tiniest voice, "Andrea? I think I wet myself". All I could say was "I think I wet myself too!"
After we sat up and got out of the wet sleeping bags we realized that we hadn't set up our tent properly and it had rained while we were sleeping and the tent had flooded. Of course we laughed it off but we decided to promise each other that if at any time one of us peed our pants or our bed the other was to do the same so the original pant/bed wetter didn't feel so ashamed.
I think that's a pretty good deal.
06 January 2009
things i've learned the hard way
- When the sign says "pool deck slippery when wet" believe it
- Never put "love" over your own interests
- Don't eat a whole bag of dried apricots (unless you really need to)
- Try not to show too much interest when someone talks about tai chi (unless you really are interested) people don't know when to stop talking about tai chi!
- Don't regret anything that you say unless it was WAY out of line, if it was sort of out of line then hold your ground!
- Don't wear short shorts to a hot yoga class and set up shop right beside the creepy guy who's balding and even though he's shirtless he looks like he's wearing a sweater
- Make sure your jacket isn't flammable before you sit too close to that bonfire
- When bartending, always use a fake name for the creeps that hit on you, my pseudonym is Gabrielle which a short scary man once mistook for Gabriel...whatever
- If you're not doing anything wrong and a cop car pulls up to you, don't run
- Lightbulbs, sparklers and lighters all get really, really hot
- Don't dye your hair turquoise, even if you think it looks great, it doesn't and everyone will make fun of you including your mum
- If you think of a really good idea for a tattoo sit on it for at least a few months before getting that "lil' devil" on your lower, lower back
- When something truly shitty happens, laugh and then cry
- Try not to hold a grudge against someone if they were a total jerk to you in a dream
- Always talk to weirdos (in appropriate settings) they have the best stories
- Don't eat at a shady Mexican joint in Brooklyn the night before you get on a plane to go home, especially if you're a nervous flyer
- Never put "love" over your own interests
- Don't eat a whole bag of dried apricots (unless you really need to)
- Try not to show too much interest when someone talks about tai chi (unless you really are interested) people don't know when to stop talking about tai chi!
- Don't regret anything that you say unless it was WAY out of line, if it was sort of out of line then hold your ground!
- Don't wear short shorts to a hot yoga class and set up shop right beside the creepy guy who's balding and even though he's shirtless he looks like he's wearing a sweater
- Make sure your jacket isn't flammable before you sit too close to that bonfire
- When bartending, always use a fake name for the creeps that hit on you, my pseudonym is Gabrielle which a short scary man once mistook for Gabriel...whatever
- If you're not doing anything wrong and a cop car pulls up to you, don't run
- Lightbulbs, sparklers and lighters all get really, really hot
- Don't dye your hair turquoise, even if you think it looks great, it doesn't and everyone will make fun of you including your mum
- If you think of a really good idea for a tattoo sit on it for at least a few months before getting that "lil' devil" on your lower, lower back
- When something truly shitty happens, laugh and then cry
- Try not to hold a grudge against someone if they were a total jerk to you in a dream
- Always talk to weirdos (in appropriate settings) they have the best stories
- Don't eat at a shady Mexican joint in Brooklyn the night before you get on a plane to go home, especially if you're a nervous flyer
you're the boss applesauce!
After living in Toronto for as long as I have I've developed the standard amount of disdain for the TTC. Everyone who lives in this city has at least one horror story in regards to "the kinder way" of travel on the city streets. One of my top ten incidents happend a couple summers ago when Kyle and I were standing on the subway platform waiting for a train around 10 or 11 at night. A raggedy looking woman approached us and proceeded to spit on the back of Kyle's head, it was gross and we were not impressed.
But alas, these things happen when you're confined to a subway platform with any assortment of people so we got on the train and went on our way. As it turns out, raggedy lady got on the same train as us and went from one end of the train to the other asking passengers for change. I believe I said something like this to Kyle when I recognized the woman "When she comes to us and asks us for change I'm going to tell her where to go! People can't be running around spitting on each other!" This woman was way ahead of me on this one and i must give her some credit. When she came near us it looked as if she was just going to ignore us and walk on past but at the last second she turned sharply (almost like a ninja) and whipped a quarter AT MY HEAD! With my cat-like reflexes I dodged out of the way and the quarter hit the window behind me and all I could do was gape at this woman. K yle sprang to his feet and had the woman out of the train by the next stop.
what i wanted to talk about orginally in this post was my feelings toward being a casual TTC pass holder but i think this quarter-whipping incident takes the case. let's save the boring story for another time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-Ky7dQLuNg
But alas, these things happen when you're confined to a subway platform with any assortment of people so we got on the train and went on our way. As it turns out, raggedy lady got on the same train as us and went from one end of the train to the other asking passengers for change. I believe I said something like this to Kyle when I recognized the woman "When she comes to us and asks us for change I'm going to tell her where to go! People can't be running around spitting on each other!" This woman was way ahead of me on this one and i must give her some credit. When she came near us it looked as if she was just going to ignore us and walk on past but at the last second she turned sharply (almost like a ninja) and whipped a quarter AT MY HEAD! With my cat-like reflexes I dodged out of the way and the quarter hit the window behind me and all I could do was gape at this woman. K yle sprang to his feet and had the woman out of the train by the next stop.
what i wanted to talk about orginally in this post was my feelings toward being a casual TTC pass holder but i think this quarter-whipping incident takes the case. let's save the boring story for another time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-Ky7dQLuNg
05 January 2009
new things
This is my New Year's Resolution, well one of them anyway. Since I recorded my New Year's countdown I've decided that I'm going to make a little video clip for everyday of 2009. Although I may not post them everyday you can count on me to produce at least one clip a day! I was going to post my first couple days of footage but it seems that the internet and my computer have teamed up to hate me and my files are too big to post here. I'll figure something out though and I will be posting a daily video in no time. Hold on to your hats.
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